Who Gets the Swag? The Eternal Camping Dilemma

Packing up the family for a camping trip always sounds like a brilliant idea—fresh air, campfires, and a chance to reconnect with nature. But there’s one question that has haunted campers for generations: Who gets allocated the swag? As someone who has tried all three scenarios—kids, mother-in-law, and the spouse—I can confidently say there is no clear winner. Let’s break it down.

Option 1: The Kids Get the Swag

Pros:

• They’re small, flexible, and still have cartilage in their knees, meaning they can spring up in the morning like a joey.

• They could sleep through a category five cyclone without stirring, so a bit of cold air and hard ground won’t bother them.

• Their bladders are forged from titanium. No 2 a.m. bathroom trips to the bush loo.

Cons:

• You won’t sleep a wink, convinced that dingoes, possums, or their own farts will wake them up and cause mass hysteria.

• They will remember this act of parental treason when choosing your aged care facility in the future.

• Sibling warfare inside a confined space is an inevitability. Prepare for an all-night battle of giggles, complaints, and tactical ankle kicks.

Option 2: The Mother-In-Law Gets the Swag

Pros:

• You can position her just far enough away so that her snoring becomes someone else’s problem.

• If she hates the experience enough, she may opt for a hotel room next time.

• It’s a great character-building exercise… for her. Roughing it out in the elements is something every camper should experience, even if they’ve spent a lifetime avoiding it.

Cons:

• She’s built all the character she ever intends to. Expect to hear the story of The Time You Made Her Sleep on the Floor with the Snakes and Spiders for the next 15 years.

• Her snoring, now unfiltered by walls, may reach jet-engine levels. If the spiders don’t come for her, a concerned noise complaint might.

• If the swag mattress is anything less than NASA-approved memory foam, she’ll spend the entirety of the camping trip discussing her back pain.

Option 3: You and the Wife Take the Swag

Pros:

• You can offload kid-minding duties onto the mother-in-law and reclaim some alone time (romantic or just silent—both are wins).

• Snuggling up for warmth under the stars gives that real camping feel—rugged, primal, adventurous.

• You avoid hearing about the time you made her mother sleep in the swag.

Cons:

• You also actually experience the real camping feel—cold, lumpy, and slightly damp.

• A combined four unzippings per night (two for you, two for the wife) for night bush wees mean neither of you will be well-rested.

• You will look over at the mother-in-law and kids snoozing peacefully in the plush campervan and question every life choice that led to this moment.

The Final Verdict

Having tested all three options, I can tell you with absolute certainty that there is no clear winner. Each scenario comes with its own unique brand of suffering. Whether it’s being guilt-tripped by the mother-in-law, worrying about the kids, or shivering through a 3 a.m. bladder run, you’re going to pay for it one way or another.

The only real solution? Get yourself a second swag, pretend the campervan is full, and let the rest of the family sort themselves out. That, or just conveniently forget to pack one entirely—after all, sleeping under the stars is an authentic camping experience, right?

Vamuz II rooftop tent and swag combo at Red Cliffs Campground in Northern NSW